"Should" is a dangerous word.

Take a look at this picture, what do you think this security “uncle” is doing?

• Maybe for some of us, we think his arms are crossed, glaring at the children making a mess of the fountain. After all, it’s his job to maintain safety and order in the shopping mall.
• Others may think he’s feeling annoyed and rather resigned about this entire scene. He’s old, he probably does not want to have anything to do with these children.

I could not capture this properly, but in fact, the security “uncle” was in fact holding up his phone—vertical capture, I might add—and happily filming or photographing the children playing.

I wonder if that meets your expectations? What about our expectations that shapes our views of certain things?

Recently, in my conversations with some colleagues, I realised how expectations—both of ourselves and others—shape our mindsets and actions in plenty of seemingly invisible ways. It shocked me to realise that these expectations tended to cloud the judgement of even the wisest of people. Even my challenges to these expectations were dismissed; after all, to many, these expectations are axiomatic. To the colleagues I was discussing with, these expectations are fundamental—probably even to the fabric of life. 

Expectations are a rather sneaky thing. Let’s tackle some of these seemingly axiomatic expectations, shall we? 

To name a few: 

• Parents should be responsible and care for their children. 
• The Singapore government should be effective. 
• Social workers should be professional and kind. 

On the topic of diversity. 

In my day-to-day as a social worker, I have begun to appreciate more and more what diversity is. 

In the simplest of terms, my experience of diversity is that “I don’t know who the other is”. We simply cannot know for sure who someone else is. Sure, we can have a sense, and we can take time to understand. But to appreciate diversity, and to live and sit with and be present with diversity, is to be okay with simply not-knowing. To be curious, and always taking on a position of openness. 

We have billions of people in this world. All created different, all with very unique life experiences. I daren’t even say that there are some fundamental core ethics consistent across tribes and tongues—or if there even is the concept of ethic or moral to some others. 

How can I then be so confident to have expectations of others? 

How can I then be so sure that “parents should be responsible"? Who says that's the case? 

I anticipate many would disagree, and say that there are some fundamental moralities that society must hold on to. Fair. I am not saying we should do away with societal norms, or that expectations are completely useless. What I hope to bring across here is that we need to learn to be in the state of not knowing. Too often, we think that things are plain, straightforward. Are they, really? 

Maybe you agree to a certain extent that “others” especially of another culture or another belief system may have differing expectations. But what about those who have taken up roles that “demand” a certain expectation (e.g. parents, social workers, etc.)? 

Without responsibility, children are not going to have great outcomes. Can we then simply not expect parents to play their role? 

Without kindness and empathy, social service clients are going to be further dismissed and ostracised. Can we then simply not expect social workers to do so? 

I guess, the simple answer is no. Of course we cannot bring down certain expectations especially if society demands it. But I suppose we can also be gracious and patient about it. 

There, but not yet. 

We often assume people have “arrived”. We expect others to have it all thought out and figured out. It’s funny to think about that, because to become a parent takes very little responsibility (in fact, I would wonder how many do become parents because of a lack of responsibility!) Yet, somehow, we assume that those with children ought to behave in a certain way and display great character. 

Recently, after finding out I myself have become a first-time parent, I realised just how ridiculous the notion of “parents should be responsible" is. Not that I don't agree with the essence of this, no. Rather, I think we are often too caught up with expectations without realising actually that for many parents, there are steps, processes, multiple decades of difficult learning to actually meet these "expectations”—if we ever get there. 

How about let us learn to sit with the process, and learn to live with the imperfection of life? 

Most of the time, we think we have “arrived”, but we never really do. We learn, we relearn. We change constantly, because our contexts and situations always change too. Going back to the example of parents, you would realise that the concept of “responsibility” quickly changes once a child has passed their teenage years and into young adulthood. If a parent were to set strict boundaries and rules for a 13 year old, many would applaud them to be “responsible”. I wouldn’t dare find a single person who would applaud setting those same strict rules for a 30 year old. 

Once again, as in the previous section, I am not saying that expectations and assumptions are completely useless. They have their utility. We set goals, we have hopes. Expectations are important. But they too are extremely dangerous. 

The point here is that we need to focus less on what ought to be, and learn too to sit with what currently is.

Sitting with and listening to.

In the last year or so, I have seen God grow me more into someone who appreciates the slow, long-drawn, uncertain act of just sitting with diversity and imperfection. I used to be someone who believed everything is cut and dry, and that everything has an answer. Life’s not like that. 

I suppose that I have had quite the greatest privilege to sit with and listen to many people in my professional capacity as a social worker. Particularly in the sub-sector of special education, I get to meet many whose minds work differently from mine, which really does make me reconsider what diversity means. 

This little piece I have just put together is not at all a call to others to do as what I have done perfectly—in fact, in a sort of a meta way, I too am still in the imperfect process of learning how to do all this. Rather, I hope this serves as a simple reminder to both you and me, that we gotta move away from pinning expectations on others and assuming what others should be doing just because we think so. Let’s appreciate that slow, long-drawn uncertainty of appreciating the beauty of diversity and imperfection.